Adventures In Motherhood

Last night I had a dream during the three hours I slept (in between puppy awakenings) that might be a metaphor for my life. In my dream, I drove my minivan directly off a dead-end road into a 'lake' in Cancun in shear exhaustion. Sinking fast, I managed to save both dogs (my ten-week and six-year-old Schnoodles) from their separate kennels in the back of my car. Luckily my four children were not with me, however, my husband, back aboard the cruise ship in the Cancun of my imagination, would surely be furious I drown our family's only means of 8-person luxury transportation. Needless to say, we missed our flight back to the states because our minivan had sunken to the depths of a lake in Cancun! Awake in a panic, I realized it was just a dream, and that at 5:30 am this morning, I was not the least bit rested thanks to the previous three times the puppy chirped from it's kennel needing to 'go potty' in the middle of the night. As my eyes began to twitch nerv...

My life could be a script for National Lampoon's Summer Vacation! Last weekend my in-laws arrived two days early 'Cousin Eddie' style, in a Winnebago parked in front of my house while I assumed the Clark Griswold role for better or worse, as if dictated by my wedding vows. Though my mother and late father-in-law always arrived at their leisure over our 23-year marriage without much forethought for our schedule, as my passive husband permitted, I cannot help but love these people who comprise my family and admire their sense of adventure! God bless 'em! Who could blame my 84-year-old mother-in-law for desperately wanting to see her son and grandchildren while embarking on a 2,000-mile trek to the Pacific Northwest, reminiscent of the travels she took with her late husband who passed last summer after nearly 65 years of marriage? This time my sister-in-law (aka Chia) and her partner of 18 years (aka Junker), along with their intimidating Boxer with enormous balls name...

Desperate times call for desperate measures and more than halfway into the summer, I was desperate for a few hours to myself. Selfishly I craved time to write, to attend yoga, or simply to use the bathroom ALONE. I was desperate for a creative alternative that didn't include screen-time, arguing or debate, when lo and behold, the perfect solution presented itself, to include my kids bonding (without my guidance) and exercise on bikes! The hours of entertainment were sure to please everyone, including this desperate mother of four kids. What is this Utopian solution? Vintage arcade games! They didn't harm us as kids and beat the hell out of the violent first person shooter games my kids' friends play. Frogger, PacMan, Asteroids, Centipede, Donkey Kong, you name it, Ground Kontrol has it and it's only a four-mile bike ride away. My sons say it even builds hand-eye coordination for baseball, though I'm less persuaded. Just yesterday I set out on a Forced Family Fun...

Arriving at the outdoor swimming pool with my 8-year-old on this sweltering 96 degree day, I was relishing the opportunity to melt in the shade, all alone for once finishing a favorite Jenny Lawson memoir, while my son experimented swimming with his new birthday snorkel set. Unfortunately, summer camp kids and families with the same plan to cool off overtook the pool. Surveying the landscape, there was nary a chair in sight for this weary, anything-but-lazy mother who had just finished canoeing 5 miles in windy conditions with my 13-year-old for 'extreme forced family fun' (#FFF) on the Willamette River. I considered the hard swimming deck cement my consolation prize in motherhood. Spotting a chair near the elementary school summer campers sitting on their towels playing cards, I eagerly asked the camp counselor if it was taken. "Yes," she replied, "the boy who can't swim sits there." Dumbfounded, I struggled with this logic while the chair remained un...

I'm so f'ing tired (pardon my French)! Parenting is exhausting and let's be real with the issues. I'm tired of waking at 2 am f'ing hot. Not as in sultry sexy, but sweaty and awake to the world. This mid-life crisis is maddening as my husband is content in layers of covers and I feel his heat radiating from the other side of the bed. Blackout curtains pulled dark, I have no choice but to crank the a/c to polar ice cap temperatures, capable of freezing my son's urine mid-stream as he races to the bathroom at 6 am in the morning. I'm tired of waking up tired at 6 am when I hear the crystallization of my son's fire hose stream, my neck in shear agony. Pillows are my nemesis and as soon as I befriend one, she turns on me faster than my teenagers' hormones, angering my neck and what I refer to as 'mom pain', a chronic neck and shoulder spasm sure to be relieved when the children move out of the house. This is not to be confused with the 'm...

Summer escapades are not for the faint of heart in our family of six; further evidence we never do anything small! A family of avid outdoor enthusiasts, we participated in Sunday Parkways last weekend in North Portland, an 8.8 mile loop bringing out cyclists of all persuasions from Storm Troopers and Unicyclists playing the violin, to dogs on bikes (my own included). Sunday Parkways in Portland is family friendly and the Forced Family Fun (#FFF) our family has grown accustomed to! As parents of two teenagers, ages 15 and 13, not to mention an 11 and 8 year old, sometimes we have to force the family fun, with less than eager participants. It becomes 'Extreme' when we load on the miles or level of difficulty, for us as parents that is. North Portland is quite a distance from our SE Portland hood, and the exact length of the 24-mile trek was not something we initially divulged to our children as they ventured out along the Springwater Corridor, wind at their backs and smiles o...

There is a secret society to which I'm convinced moms of four children belong. We simply smile in understanding of our shared journey when we cross paths. Without a sister of my own, it warms my heart to feel accepted into this compassionate sisterhood without judgment, united knowing we are all somewhat crazy! The 'secret sisterhood spy craft' is tried and true and our circle is growing... Reminiscent of CIA spy craft, we use simple code word exchanges in passing, as if validating an asset's bona fides. Appearing dumfounded one of us cautiously queries "You have four children?" Immediately recognizing the glimmer of hope in the other mother's weary eyes, she enthusiastically affirms, "Yes, but no one has four kids!" The exchange is complete and just like that, another mother is accepted into the secret sisterhood. One such brief exchange happened last week while hanging with my children (#FFF) at Cannon Beach on the Oregon coast and I welcom...