#MeToo
Have you seen the #MeToo hashtag on your social media feed? I struggle with those two simple words on social media as a platform to stand against sexual harassment and affect change. As a modest woman, I shy away from sharing my personal stories of sexual harassment and wonder if this movement, like the gun control movement following a mass shooting, will quickly dissipate with the next news story. #MeToo is not sufficient explanation for the pain and suffering endured by victims, and unfettered access to growing internet pornography and social media exploitation are largely to blame. Personally I choose to take a stand for those who are finding their voice.
I fear all women have been sexually harassed at some point in their lives and we all have many stories to tell. My 13-year-old daughter was sexually harassed in eighth grade following our relocation last year. Transitioning as a teenager to a new school in your last year of middle school is difficult enough without the threat of sexual harassment at such a young age.
I'll never forget the conversation in which my daughter described an eighth grade boy asking her lewd questions about sex with farm animals, blow jobs and the size of penises; grooming her and impressing his friends, my daughter his innocent victim. What should've been an advanced math class quickly turned into an uncomfortable learning environment and my daughter became privy to such sexually explicit conversation that I even questioned my knowledge of the subject matter.
Taking a multi-faceted approach, I role-played responses to his actions with my daughter. "Turn your back to him," I instructed, "look him in the eyes and tell him no, please stop." I also immediately called the middle school counselor who was glad I confided in her and assured me steps would be taken to stop the behavior. The school counselor encouraged all the girls affected by the behavior to come forward and describe the situation in order that more serious consequences could be enforced. I persuaded my daughter to have a voice for those who do not and take a stance against the harassing behavior. "He's not only targeting you," I informed her. Unfortunately, despite her courage and actions with the counselor, the behavior continued and the perpetrator was also placed by my daughter in science class. The science teacher was unresponsive to my daughter's request for a seat change. So again, I was forced to call the science teacher, who was appalled by his behavior and finally provided a new seating arrangement.
Equally shocked by the lack of response from the school principal, I marched myself into the assistant principal's office, a female who I assumed would be empathetic. "Your daughter and friends need to report these incidents," she stated, "have your daughter come into my office and I'll teach her how to respond to this boy," the female assistant principal demanded. "Excuse me," I replied, "my daughter is the victim and she has already reported, it's now your turn to reprimand the perpetrator." My blood starting to boil, I continued, "At this point, the school needs to ensure that he no longer is assigned a seat in her proximity, for her safety." No wonder victims fail to report when they remain unprotected, I thought, shaking my head in amazement, they are being taught silence at an early age!
Once seating arrangements were changed in both classrooms, the perpetrator's exposure to my daughter ceased, until February. It was when he touched her in math class, claiming to have 'necked her', that I literally lost my shit and the mamma bear in me came out. Fearing how non-consensual touches could escalate to dangerous situations, I called the school counselor again to inquire how the perpetrator of numerous harassing encounters was once again sitting close to my daughter in math class. The counselor assured me that matters would be taken care of immediately and addressed by the principal himself.
The next day, my daughter was the only seat moved. The perpetrator 'knew' she was the one who reported based on her rearranged seating and the principal's use of 'necking' to describe the situation. "How are girls empowered to report when the principal himself reveals their confidential information?" I asked the school counselor. With a 'restorative justice', rather than 'zero tolerance' policy for behavior issues in the school district, I learned I had to take matters into my own hands as a parent, for my daughter's sake.
Furious, yet anxious to protect my daughter, I did the only thing I could, give her permission to 'admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter-accusations' with the 'dumb-ass' perpetrator. She was way savvier than he! "There's no way he can remember everyone he harassed," I assured my daughter, "he acts this way to all the girls." She concurred. "Next time he accuses you of reporting, I want you to get angry, tell him to go to hell, that it wasn't you!" Behavior he'd least expect from my studious, well-behaved child that would shock him into belief. Sure enough, she did it! After she used all the assertive words, he turned and said, "It must've been Angie instead," and walked away with his friends. He hasn't bothered her since!
I proceeded to call the high school last spring, having the perpetrator 'red flagged' and banned from any of my daughter's classes the next fall. The high school counselor asked if the middle school had handled the situation appropriately and was not surprised when I described the situation and lack of reprisal for the perpetrator. I also had a permanent record of the harassing behavior documented in her school records.
My daughter and her friend took a stance against bullying behavior last May when they observed harassment in a literature class taught by a sub, discreetly notifying the teacher by email that evening. "There's a silver lining after all the unfortunate behavior you've endured this year. I'm proud of you finding your voice in protection of others," I confided, hugging my daughter. I thanked this teacher in a private phone call for handling the situation appropriately with zero tolerance, ensuring consequences for the perpetrator, and validating and empowering my daughter and her friend for reporting.
We discussed the situation every step of the way as a family, educating our three sons as well about sexual harassment and consent, while encouraging them to always stand against any form of bullying. Change begins with education at home, crucial conversations, and responsible limits to screen time and Internet access.
While an 'imperfect' outcome to an eighth grade year full of visible bullying and harassment at that middle school, the principal retired, the perpetrator was finally suspended due to inappropriate condom display in school, in addition to being permanently banned from my daughter's high school classes. Fortunately, we are all wiser as a result.
The high school counselor emailed me at the start of this year to ensure my daughter was having an easier transition. Responding that she felt safe and welcome as a freshman, I breathed a sigh of relief. Yet I cringe at the thought of how many individuals don't have a voice or an advocate. We all must have courage to be the change we wish to see in the world! My daughter demonstrated that this year.
I fear all women have been sexually harassed at some point in their lives and we all have many stories to tell. My 13-year-old daughter was sexually harassed in eighth grade following our relocation last year. Transitioning as a teenager to a new school in your last year of middle school is difficult enough without the threat of sexual harassment at such a young age.
I'll never forget the conversation in which my daughter described an eighth grade boy asking her lewd questions about sex with farm animals, blow jobs and the size of penises; grooming her and impressing his friends, my daughter his innocent victim. What should've been an advanced math class quickly turned into an uncomfortable learning environment and my daughter became privy to such sexually explicit conversation that I even questioned my knowledge of the subject matter.
Taking a multi-faceted approach, I role-played responses to his actions with my daughter. "Turn your back to him," I instructed, "look him in the eyes and tell him no, please stop." I also immediately called the middle school counselor who was glad I confided in her and assured me steps would be taken to stop the behavior. The school counselor encouraged all the girls affected by the behavior to come forward and describe the situation in order that more serious consequences could be enforced. I persuaded my daughter to have a voice for those who do not and take a stance against the harassing behavior. "He's not only targeting you," I informed her. Unfortunately, despite her courage and actions with the counselor, the behavior continued and the perpetrator was also placed by my daughter in science class. The science teacher was unresponsive to my daughter's request for a seat change. So again, I was forced to call the science teacher, who was appalled by his behavior and finally provided a new seating arrangement.
Equally shocked by the lack of response from the school principal, I marched myself into the assistant principal's office, a female who I assumed would be empathetic. "Your daughter and friends need to report these incidents," she stated, "have your daughter come into my office and I'll teach her how to respond to this boy," the female assistant principal demanded. "Excuse me," I replied, "my daughter is the victim and she has already reported, it's now your turn to reprimand the perpetrator." My blood starting to boil, I continued, "At this point, the school needs to ensure that he no longer is assigned a seat in her proximity, for her safety." No wonder victims fail to report when they remain unprotected, I thought, shaking my head in amazement, they are being taught silence at an early age!
Once seating arrangements were changed in both classrooms, the perpetrator's exposure to my daughter ceased, until February. It was when he touched her in math class, claiming to have 'necked her', that I literally lost my shit and the mamma bear in me came out. Fearing how non-consensual touches could escalate to dangerous situations, I called the school counselor again to inquire how the perpetrator of numerous harassing encounters was once again sitting close to my daughter in math class. The counselor assured me that matters would be taken care of immediately and addressed by the principal himself.
The next day, my daughter was the only seat moved. The perpetrator 'knew' she was the one who reported based on her rearranged seating and the principal's use of 'necking' to describe the situation. "How are girls empowered to report when the principal himself reveals their confidential information?" I asked the school counselor. With a 'restorative justice', rather than 'zero tolerance' policy for behavior issues in the school district, I learned I had to take matters into my own hands as a parent, for my daughter's sake.
Furious, yet anxious to protect my daughter, I did the only thing I could, give her permission to 'admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter-accusations' with the 'dumb-ass' perpetrator. She was way savvier than he! "There's no way he can remember everyone he harassed," I assured my daughter, "he acts this way to all the girls." She concurred. "Next time he accuses you of reporting, I want you to get angry, tell him to go to hell, that it wasn't you!" Behavior he'd least expect from my studious, well-behaved child that would shock him into belief. Sure enough, she did it! After she used all the assertive words, he turned and said, "It must've been Angie instead," and walked away with his friends. He hasn't bothered her since!
I proceeded to call the high school last spring, having the perpetrator 'red flagged' and banned from any of my daughter's classes the next fall. The high school counselor asked if the middle school had handled the situation appropriately and was not surprised when I described the situation and lack of reprisal for the perpetrator. I also had a permanent record of the harassing behavior documented in her school records.
My daughter and her friend took a stance against bullying behavior last May when they observed harassment in a literature class taught by a sub, discreetly notifying the teacher by email that evening. "There's a silver lining after all the unfortunate behavior you've endured this year. I'm proud of you finding your voice in protection of others," I confided, hugging my daughter. I thanked this teacher in a private phone call for handling the situation appropriately with zero tolerance, ensuring consequences for the perpetrator, and validating and empowering my daughter and her friend for reporting.
We discussed the situation every step of the way as a family, educating our three sons as well about sexual harassment and consent, while encouraging them to always stand against any form of bullying. Change begins with education at home, crucial conversations, and responsible limits to screen time and Internet access.
While an 'imperfect' outcome to an eighth grade year full of visible bullying and harassment at that middle school, the principal retired, the perpetrator was finally suspended due to inappropriate condom display in school, in addition to being permanently banned from my daughter's high school classes. Fortunately, we are all wiser as a result.
The high school counselor emailed me at the start of this year to ensure my daughter was having an easier transition. Responding that she felt safe and welcome as a freshman, I breathed a sigh of relief. Yet I cringe at the thought of how many individuals don't have a voice or an advocate. We all must have courage to be the change we wish to see in the world! My daughter demonstrated that this year.
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