Empowering Girls With A Voice
My 13-year-old daughter was sexually harassed in eighth grade following our relocation to Oregon. Transitioning as a teenager to a new school in the last year of middle school was difficult enough without the threat of sexual harassment.
I'll never forget when my daughter described an eighth grade boy who asked her lewd questions about sex with farm animals, blow jobs and the size of penises; grooming her and impressing his friends, my daughter his innocent victim. What should've been an advanced math class quickly turned embarrassing and my daughter became privy to sexually explicit conversation that even tested my knowledge.
I role-played responses with my daughter, "Turn your back to him," I instructed, "look him in the eyes and tell him no, please stop!"
I called the middle school counselor who assured me steps would be taken. She encouraged all girls to speak out so that more serious consequences could be enforced. I persuaded my daughter to have a voice for those who did not and take a stance against the harassing behavior. "He's not only targeting you," I said, the counselor will protect you. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have trusted.
The perpetrator was also placed next to my daughter in science class, continuing his harassing behavior, another teacher unresponsive to my daughter's request for a seat change. I was forced to intervene again for a new seating arrangement.
Shocked by the lack of response from the school principal, I cornered the assistant principal; a female who I assumed would be empathetic. "Your daughter and friends need to report these incidents," she stated, "tell your daughter to come to my office and I'll teach her how to respond to this boy," the female assistant principal demanded.
"Excuse me," I replied, "My daughter is a victim! She has already reported. It's your turn to reprimand the perpetrator. The girls are afraid to come forward anymore." My blood starting to boil, I continued, "At this point, the school needs to ensure her safety!”
No wonder victims fail to report when they remain unprotected, I thought, shaking my head in amazement. Unprotected, girls are being taught silence at an early age!
Once seating arrangements were changed in both math and science, the perpetrator's behavior stopped, until February. When he touched my daughter in math class, claiming to have 'necked her', I literally lost my shit! Fearing how non-consensual touches escalate to dangerous situations, I called the school counselor. The counselor assured me that matters would be taken care of immediately and addressed by the principal himself.
The next day, my daughter’s seat was the only one moved. The perpetrator assumed she was the one who reported based on her new seat and the principal's use of 'necking' to describe the situation. "How are girls empowered to report when the principal himself reveals their confidential information?" I questioned the school counselor.
Furious, yet anxious to protect my daughter, I encouraged her to admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter-accusations with the dumb-ass boy. Lie.
"There's no way he can remember everyone he harassed," I assured my daughter, "he acts this way to all the girls." She agreed. "Next time he accuses you of reporting, I want you to get angry, tell him to go to hell, that it wasn't you!" Confrontational behavior he'd least expect from my smart, quiet daughter would confuse and shock him into believing her. Savvy street smarts, life skills, self-preservation...
Sure enough, she did it! After she told him to F-off in her own words, he turned and said, "Huh, it must've been Angie instead," walking away with his friends. He hasn't bothered my daughter since.
I fear for my daughter, Angie and his next victim so I called the high school, having the perpetrator red flagged and banned from any of my daughter's classes in the fall. The high school counselor asked if the middle school had handled the situation appropriately and was not surprised when I described the situation and lack of reprisal for the perpetrator.
My daughter and her friend took a stance against bullying behavior at the end of the 8th grade school year when they observed sexual harassment in a literature class taught by a sub, discreetly notifying their teacher by email that evening. My daughter found her voice, a silver lining to the unfortunate shit she endured that year!
As a family we communicated, educating our three sons as well about sexual harassment and consent, and encouraging them to always stand against any form of bullying. Change begins with education at home with crucial conversations and responsible Internet access.
While an imperfect outcome to an eighth grade year full of visible bullying and harassment at that middle school, the principal retired, the perpetrator was finally suspended due to his condom display in school and was permanently banned from my daughter's high school classes. Fortunately, we are all wiser as a result.
I cringe at the thought of how many individuals don't have a voice or an advocate. I fear all women have been sexually harassed at some point in their lives and we all have many stories to tell, #MeToo. Let these conversations continue. We all must have courage to be the change we wish to see in the world! My daughter demonstrated that at age 13.
I'll never forget when my daughter described an eighth grade boy who asked her lewd questions about sex with farm animals, blow jobs and the size of penises; grooming her and impressing his friends, my daughter his innocent victim. What should've been an advanced math class quickly turned embarrassing and my daughter became privy to sexually explicit conversation that even tested my knowledge.
I role-played responses with my daughter, "Turn your back to him," I instructed, "look him in the eyes and tell him no, please stop!"
I called the middle school counselor who assured me steps would be taken. She encouraged all girls to speak out so that more serious consequences could be enforced. I persuaded my daughter to have a voice for those who did not and take a stance against the harassing behavior. "He's not only targeting you," I said, the counselor will protect you. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have trusted.
The perpetrator was also placed next to my daughter in science class, continuing his harassing behavior, another teacher unresponsive to my daughter's request for a seat change. I was forced to intervene again for a new seating arrangement.
Shocked by the lack of response from the school principal, I cornered the assistant principal; a female who I assumed would be empathetic. "Your daughter and friends need to report these incidents," she stated, "tell your daughter to come to my office and I'll teach her how to respond to this boy," the female assistant principal demanded.
"Excuse me," I replied, "My daughter is a victim! She has already reported. It's your turn to reprimand the perpetrator. The girls are afraid to come forward anymore." My blood starting to boil, I continued, "At this point, the school needs to ensure her safety!”
No wonder victims fail to report when they remain unprotected, I thought, shaking my head in amazement. Unprotected, girls are being taught silence at an early age!
Once seating arrangements were changed in both math and science, the perpetrator's behavior stopped, until February. When he touched my daughter in math class, claiming to have 'necked her', I literally lost my shit! Fearing how non-consensual touches escalate to dangerous situations, I called the school counselor. The counselor assured me that matters would be taken care of immediately and addressed by the principal himself.
The next day, my daughter’s seat was the only one moved. The perpetrator assumed she was the one who reported based on her new seat and the principal's use of 'necking' to describe the situation. "How are girls empowered to report when the principal himself reveals their confidential information?" I questioned the school counselor.
Furious, yet anxious to protect my daughter, I encouraged her to admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter-accusations with the dumb-ass boy. Lie.
"There's no way he can remember everyone he harassed," I assured my daughter, "he acts this way to all the girls." She agreed. "Next time he accuses you of reporting, I want you to get angry, tell him to go to hell, that it wasn't you!" Confrontational behavior he'd least expect from my smart, quiet daughter would confuse and shock him into believing her. Savvy street smarts, life skills, self-preservation...
Sure enough, she did it! After she told him to F-off in her own words, he turned and said, "Huh, it must've been Angie instead," walking away with his friends. He hasn't bothered my daughter since.
I fear for my daughter, Angie and his next victim so I called the high school, having the perpetrator red flagged and banned from any of my daughter's classes in the fall. The high school counselor asked if the middle school had handled the situation appropriately and was not surprised when I described the situation and lack of reprisal for the perpetrator.
My daughter and her friend took a stance against bullying behavior at the end of the 8th grade school year when they observed sexual harassment in a literature class taught by a sub, discreetly notifying their teacher by email that evening. My daughter found her voice, a silver lining to the unfortunate shit she endured that year!
As a family we communicated, educating our three sons as well about sexual harassment and consent, and encouraging them to always stand against any form of bullying. Change begins with education at home with crucial conversations and responsible Internet access.
While an imperfect outcome to an eighth grade year full of visible bullying and harassment at that middle school, the principal retired, the perpetrator was finally suspended due to his condom display in school and was permanently banned from my daughter's high school classes. Fortunately, we are all wiser as a result.
I cringe at the thought of how many individuals don't have a voice or an advocate. I fear all women have been sexually harassed at some point in their lives and we all have many stories to tell, #MeToo. Let these conversations continue. We all must have courage to be the change we wish to see in the world! My daughter demonstrated that at age 13.
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