Sweet 16; How Did We Get Here?

Mentally preparing for my oldest driving alone behind the wheel by the end of the month, I can't help but shake my head at the blur of 16 years gone by. Sweet 16? As I pound this pack of gummy bears, a sick vice to withhold my tears and cope with my son's 12th birthday party tonight, I can't help but think how did we get here? Obviously, with piss poor prior planning! (Who in their right mind has two outta four kids' birthdays within four days of each other?) Luckily, I'm only pounding gummy bears and we've been graced with a bit of good luck!

I'll admit I had my doubts the first few years of my daughter's life with her choices from sandboxes to scissors but fortunately she's proven National Honor Society material, which is more than I can say for myself! I'd be remiss if I didn't share a few journal gems along the way.

January 2005

I need a frickin' nap. One month to go and I'll be popping out baby #2 (20 hours faster than the last one I hope).

Thank goodness for quiet time. You enjoy reading to your animals in your room for an hour or so. Nap on the floor, play, I don't care.

Wow, I didn't mean that kind of play! I see you like to take your diaper off during quiet time in your room. Your father and I know what you do in there. At least you're in your room.

Good God! You can't be serious with this mess? Never in my wildest imagination...

Duck tape fixes everything. I'd like to see you cut that diaper off next time!

22 May 2005

Bruce and I sat down with our "well-behaved" kids (ages 3 months and two-years-old) for a nice Sunday morning breakfast today. (Not much has changed in 14 years as "well-behaved" still needs quotes with four children.)

Our daughter started having an uncontrollable sneezing fit (the likes of which, in hindsight, would've made me pee my pants), boogers everywhere and sand pouring out. We were not surprised her nose had been irritated from the sand fight she and her friend Joe had Friday afternoon but we were worried the amount of sand accumulated in her nose rivaled the Mojave Desert.

One humongous sneeze later, and low and behold, a jagged 1/2-inch rock appeared on her plate. How in the hell did that fit up in there? (I was more startled than when I birthed her watermelon cone-headed-self.)

Our little geologist didn't cry, she merely said "Silly girl! A rock in my nose?" I never would've believed it if I hadn't seen it myself. She's always been a rock hound. Now we know her hiding place!

I'll admit I refused to eat peas and lodged them up my nose clear to my brain at her age. Thankfully my daughter problem solved this one without a hospital visit. I blame the peas for my lack of remaining brain cells post children.

12 June 2005

This time it appears she's eaten the entire sandbox. (You'd think natural consequences would've prevailed right?) At least she's learned not to put it up her nose.

She passed a fistful of sand the other day and hasn't been the same since. Sand still comes out the other end... she now says "Itchy Bottom Mommy!"

She isn't kidding. Poor girl. There's quite a rash. I'm scared to change her diaper now, for fear what might be in there next, so much for potty training!

Following 3 weeks of passing sand, I grew weary of needing a sandy beach vacation.


14 December 2006

Your father is out of town and I'm lying on the couch, 6 months pregnant with our third child, needing a nap while you and your 10-month-old brother putz around the coffee table.

WTF? You took the scissors and cut the hair on the right side of your head? Tears are streaming down my face in an emotional eruption of volcanic proportions. You took a snip off the top of your brother's head too?

Beautiful blond hair is everywhere. Oh, you tell me you are angry I am crying. I've inconvenienced you? Yep, I'm raising my confident girl. I can probably handle just one.

At least we already took our Christmas picture!

5 April 2019

"You say I suck what when you drive?" I reply. "Wind?"

I sure as hell do! (I think to myself.)

"Have you noticed a lack of oxygen in this car? Oxygen masks should literally drop from the ceiling."

"Did you see that pedestrian?" <<<Deep Inhale>>>

Don't get angry. Be patient, I remind myself.

<<<Deep Inhale>>> "Hun, that was nearly our passenger mirror, please not so close."

"You are gauging your points of reference?" <<<Deep Inhale>>>

"I don't know what? Never mind I've been driving over 30 years."

Driver's Ed must be like 'new math'. I hope we all live through it!

Life is a box of chocolates... I prefer an assortment of fruity gummy bears; fat free and so satisfying. No amount of parenting books could've prepared me for children. Raising confident future presidential leaders will keep me pounding gummy bears for years to come.

Our schedule driving four kids to weekend activities needs another parent. We're outnumbered. How did we get here? Sweet 16. Maybe teen driving ain't so bad!

Birthday Kids (and bunny ears)!