Adventures In Motherhood

Tuangtip, a petite woman in her late 50s/early 60s, was our gracious local guide for the longboat and tuk tuk tour of Bangkok.  “No, you may not call her twin tits,” I told my youngest, acting in his typical obnoxious form with his audience of two college age brothers back in tow. “Behave or I’ll make you drink the brown water from the Chao Phraya River,” I smiled. “And dad and I would like each of you to think of a question to ask her.”  “Are we gonna meet any femme boys?” My 20-year-old asked, eyeing his brothers. “It’s lady boys,” I interrupted, “and no, you cannot call her twin tits if you ask five questions.” My youngest was relentlessly trying to bait me.  Tuangtip managed to teach us about Buddha’s unique to the day of the week you were born, Buddha blessings and Thai street food in an afternoon. After two hours on the river, we docked and hopped into a tuk tuk.  “Does anyone know why they are called tuk tuks?” Tuangtip asked.  “Because of the sound they ...

24 hours on a plane Thursday, and we flew two days into the future overnight, arriving Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately I picked up a pair of cankles in Hong Kong - the only casualty so far.  Day 1 we opted for the Bangkok Backstreets and Hidden Gems Bike tour , managing to avoid Patpong and Soi Cowboy streets where the flashing neon Pimp Club, Spanky’s and Dollhouse clubs light up the night. We pedaled narrow alleyways and drainage ditches, while averting street vendors, motorbikes and wall pissers in every direction, all while navigating the left side of the road and fist bumping beaming children yelling “HI”, The best kind of Forced Family Fun cultural immersion unplugged in my book. Proving even my 15-year-old can crack a smile in a picture. Besides, who can complain when poverty, garbage, shanty shacks and pungent smells overwhelm, only to be interrupted by swirls of jasmine and sandalwood, while precarious loops of electrical wire are dangling dangerously overhead? Lucky me...

You'd think I'd be ecstatic to travel to Thailand this week for Forced Family Fun and to see my daughter, our responsible Fulbright Scholar, teaching English in the north. Temples, tuk tuks, tea gardens, and pedicures. Truth? Two weeks in Thailand and I'm terrified I'm gonna lose someone. Traveling with four adult-ish boys who all agree Die Hard and Gladiator are Christmas movies is like herding cats. Bruh, 6 7. Honestly, I'd rather solo recon than rangle this pack. Serenity now. Matching t-shirts made for easy surveillance when they were shorter than Mom at Disney. Now? We’re doing this in full ’80s Griswold Thai Vacation style, cutting costs and screen time with no international phone plans for navigation, except for my husband and me, because, well…he's my sugar daddy. Next week, I'm either gonna lose my husband in a street market in Bangkok (like Taste of Chicago when we were first married, but with more Typhoid fever and fewer brats) or my 15-year-old t...