Adventures In Motherhood

I've been shaking my head a lot lately over angry drivers while wondering how my pristine driving record could upset so many Portlandians. In a progressive city where it's the law to stop for pedestrians, I'm shocked by the vulgarity I face on a daily basis as chauffeur-mom to four children. In the past month I've faced humanity and determined we need to save the planet, one less car at a time... "Mom, he's looking back at us and he's giving you the middle finger," my daughter laughed on our way to drop her at the airport two weeks ago.  "It's not me, it's got to be for someone else," I said, stopping behind the man with the erect middle finger sitting in the old sedan at the intersection.  Green light. Go! Sure enough, the dude turned left, abruptly merging into the right lane and slowing down to pull alongside me. Yep, she was right, he was clearly making sure both my teen daughter and I saw him flip me the bird, rath...

It’s just a used car. That’s what I told myself when we bought a second vehicle, smaller than a mom-minivan and bright fire engine red in color so our 16-year-old daughter could be seen coming and going. A shiny 5-star crash rated 2016 Hyundai Elantra; a Tesla compared to the rusty blue Datsun I drove in high school. The Datsun, a veritable Flintstone-mobile with a rusted out floor spraying sleet and rain on backseat passengers, was my ticket to freedom. The Elantra was my husband’s new sporty wheels to share with four kids. With street congestion and the planet burning up, we prefer life in the bike lane, except for our daughter. With Driver’s Ed in the rear view mirror, my carefully drafted parental contract signed, and cautious driver flying solo behind the wheel, unable to drive anyone but family per state law, we breathed a sigh of relief. The sibling carpool potential had me feeling giddy, a win-win for this taxi-driving mom! Father’s Day baseball tournam...

Be careful or the negative will consume you, I thought to myself summoning the energy to raise much-needed positive endorphins on a morning run. The 24-hour news cycle, global temps rising, and Customer Care Representatives who suck me bone dry will require a longer run this morning to combat the negative slime oozing in our country and polluting my mind. Keep America Great! The irony when 'customer care' reps deny, deny, deny or someone from India answers. Aetna health insurance is the bane of my existence after seven phone calls, each a minimum hour-long blood boiling conversation having diminishing returns on my mental health (which is also likely not covered). And what happened to common courtesy? Last night a lady refused to zipper merge me onto I-5 south, throwing up her hands in anger, as if it made her a better driver! I gave her thumbs up instead. Then there's the mid-century modern sofa we purchased supporting a boutique local business thinking it would be grand...

I can't help but laugh at my lack of agility as of late as I sit on an ice pack nursing my hip from last weekend's yard work extravaganza. I often underestimate my abilities and pay the price later, but who can blame me for envisioning myself as fit and fast as my children? Recently they challenged me to an outdoor Parkour obstacle course that looked easy. Why not? I thought, imagining myself showing off my cat like reflexes and surely matching their pace, not my age. I aspired to be the fastest woman of the Parkour Challenge and confident this Tough Mother could outpace anyone! As I surveyed the course of wooden obstacles, I imagined the CIA training course of my youth. In my twenties, there were no obstacles that could hold me back and everyone banded together to accomplish the course. Over the wall, despite my small stature, a test of fitness and badge of pride earned! Somewhat lacking the chutzpah to immediately tackle the Parkour course, I carefully strategized my ...

Desperate times call for desperate measures and more than halfway into the summer, I was desperate for a few hours to myself. Selfishly I craved time to write, to attend yoga, or simply to use the bathroom ALONE. I was desperate for a creative alternative that didn't include screen-time, arguing or debate, when lo and behold, the perfect solution presented itself, to include my kids bonding (without my guidance) and exercise on bikes! The hours of entertainment were sure to please everyone, including this desperate mother of four kids. What is this Utopian solution? Vintage arcade games! They didn't harm us as kids and beat the hell out of the violent first person shooter games my kids' friends play. Frogger, PacMan, Asteroids, Centipede, Donkey Kong, you name it, Ground Kontrol has it and it's only a four-mile bike ride away. My sons say it even builds hand-eye coordination for baseball, though I'm less persuaded. Just yesterday I set out on a Forced Family Fun...

It's easy for our children to be involuntarily subjected to a world full of hate nowadays.  Impatient drivers flip 'the bird' and yell obscenities at me as they dangerously zoom past my carload of children.  A gridlocked lady sarcastically claps from the safety of her vehicle as my friend kindheartedly moves a garbage can blocking traffic, in plain view of her puzzled daughter.  Protests and counter-protests in anger block our streets as my family bikes downtown.  The 24-hour sensational news is not easily consumable by children.  Sometimes I cannot help but visualize pink slime boiling in our sewers fueled by hatred and anger akin to New York City in Ghostbusters II! As a mother with clandestine experience, I recently reached my internal boiling point and decided to make it our charge to spread love throughout the day, albeit in disguise.  Boys, I smiled, "I mustache you to spread some love today!"  My son and his buddy enthusiastically accepted t...