Adventures In Motherhood

I've always been an overachiever, to a fault. Four children plus two Schnoodle dogs is frickin' crazy, pardon my teenage French! If the ghost of Christmas future had projected my life online schooling four kids in Covid-quarantine, I'd surely have re-thunk Cancun vacations with my husband, where one more 'all-inclusive drink' made another powdery-sweet baby sound easy. Damn, if I’m not cursed by over-shooting my goals! Forced Family Fun has taken on new meaning in quarantine. Family hikes and bike rides? Screw you mom; more screen time! Plus online schooling four kids is borderline insanity.  Mom school. Who am I kidding? I worked in the CIA but never wanted to be a teacher or school principal in disguise. My students are savages and my undercover persona doesn't hold up to children who know I'm just their mom.  My 8th grade son is mainly in detention. He sneaks YouTube while hiding behind a dark camera 99% of students refuse to turn on. Snapchat, Reddit and...

I don't know what's worse, fist pounding thumps on the dinner table that make flickering candles jump while my heart skips a beat, or the stubborn silence he punishes me with for days, my heart aching for a word of peace or flicker of hope in my child's smirk. Numbness forcing back tears reminds me I have become that parent. "I hate you, you are the worst mom ever…" Slam! An exclamation point door slam on the challenging life I created when I became a mother four times over. Now Coronavirus lock-down. I'm left questioning my every move as a parent, a gaming battle of screen-time vs. stubborn silence. My 7th grade son is desperate for control that gaming rewards him. *********************** The shouts of ear piercing anger mixed with cuss words. I hardly recognized my soon to be thirteen-year-old son in the deep voice declaring, "You control f*&%ing everything." Throwing his Ipad at me amidst his blood curdling screams and F-bomb, the conseq...

Clash Royale is not just a popular Supercell video game, it's also what happens when an inch of snow falls in Portland, schools are closed, and your mom tries to go 'old school' banning the use of screen time as long as humanly possible. "But mom, we already had a snowball fight, there's not enough snow left to build a snowman and the sledding hill is mud! Plus, we already played a board game and foosball, and you made us play soccer and basketball in the street," said my 11-year-old, working every angle. Hell yes, I told them to go play in the street! Where's the sense of adventure on a day without school? Shaking my head, I marvel at six neighborhood boys who can't find a creative thing to do. "Can we please play Clash Royale together?" the other boys chime in. When I was a kid... we walked uphill in an Iowa blizzard of 50 below wind-chill in three feet of snow to school and spent summer hours lost in the woods or neighb...

Today is the final day of 'Winter Break'; New Year's Day and I am thankful for time. The kids have had too much screen time, too much time eating candy, too much pestering time, and too much time supervised by parents, so I did what any good parent would do and kicked them out of the house! It's a new year and the sun is shining, even in Portland, so time to get on with those New Years' resolutions...right? I'd rather reflect on the blessing of 'time' by writing alone, as best I know how. I am thankful to have experienced 18 days together with my four children and husband. Who says that? I'm not sure we've ever had 18 days together without an insane schedule of activities! Sure, I could do without the week confined to the same travel sleeping quarters with my son and husband coughing like barking dogs at midnight, poor souls, but I'm thankful for that time of forced family fun, especially since our teenage daughter all too ready ...

I'm so f'ing tired (pardon my French)! Parenting is exhausting and let's be real with the issues. I'm tired of waking at 2 am f'ing hot. Not as in sultry sexy, but sweaty and awake to the world. This mid-life crisis is maddening as my husband is content in layers of covers and I feel his heat radiating from the other side of the bed. Blackout curtains pulled dark, I have no choice but to crank the a/c to polar ice cap temperatures, capable of freezing my son's urine mid-stream as he races to the bathroom at 6 am in the morning. I'm tired of waking up tired at 6 am when I hear the crystallization of my son's fire hose stream, my neck in shear agony. Pillows are my nemesis and as soon as I befriend one, she turns on me faster than my teenagers' hormones, angering my neck and what I refer to as 'mom pain', a chronic neck and shoulder spasm sure to be relieved when the children move out of the house. This is not to be confused with the 'm...

Last week my husband and I spent a blissful week in Cancun for our 23rd wedding anniversary. It was time we prioritized our marriage and ourselves, besides our children needed a break from us as much as we needed time away from them! A true blessing to experience, we relished the time together at an adults-only all-inclusive resort, never discussing nor missing our children who were experiencing an all-inclusive 'stay-cation' with relatives. Quite frankly, I didn't want to see children, hear children or smell children our entire celebration and we laughed at the couples who phoned their children from the beach. Needless to say, a week following our return, full-on into the final week of school projects, 5th grade continuation, marching band parades, baseball games, and 2nd grade stomach flu, I scarcely recall the ocean waves lapping the shore or the peace I felt reading three novels without agenda. Today I sit here, kids momentarily out of school, as panic ensues and summer...

'Bothers' is what she calls them.  My daughter has not one, but three adorable brothers, through no fault of her own.  They were agreeable to her, until they stopped agreeing to listen.  As an older sister with one 'bother' of my own, I suffered the same fate, albeit technically less illicit! As a teenager, privacy is paramount. Personal belongings are not to be touched and brothers should never embarrass their sisters.  To my teen daughter, brothers are merely potential protectors or suitable for their cuteness factor, posted by mom on Instagram.  Beyond that, they exist as bothers! Shock and awe are my daughter's conflicting feelings living with her 'bothers' on a daily basis. (We as parents of a teenage girl are astutely aware of this seismic shift amplified in our home.)  My 7-year-old relishes in his sister's attention the most and unfortunately 'shock and awe' seem to be his middle names.  My daughter recently reacted to this social med...

Forced Family Fun (FFF) defined is a family adventure wherein all parties 'unplug' and experience conversation and bonding together in a setting atypical of everyday life.  FFF at times may be 'forced', especially if at the parents' suggestion, however, there is immediate buy-in from children who quickly realize the fun involved and take part in the planning of future adventures! As parents of four children, it became apparent early on that a close family unit was needed with competing technological and social forces vying for our kids' attention; television, cell phones, online gaming, social media, etc.  Much to our children's dismay, we coined the phrase 'Forced Family Fun' and enacted it with a passion. You may ask how parents can ever succeed in suggesting Force Family Fun while gaining kid's buy-in?  To this I would argue, why make it an option?  Rather, try your first outing and then brainstorm additional activities as a family, t...

"We are the only kids that don't have smartphones at school!” insist my four children.  Even my 2nd grade son has children in his class with the latest and greatest smartphones.  I recall this conversation from my own childhood and it somehow revolved around getting a corded telephone for my bedroom.  New technology, even greater challenges... Having moved halfway across the country at the start of my daughter's 8th grade year in middle school, we were keenly aware of her need to build social relationships a.s.a.p.  When our daughter named every known child her age with a smart phone, we quickly realized that she was quite possibly the only 8th grade student in Oregon and Colorado without a smartphone.  Having experienced traumatic family moves during my formative teen years, my daughter knew I was an easy sell, and my three younger sons began their campaign as well.  Fortunately as parents, we have Bill Gates on our side.  How can children argue ...