Santa Condoms

I thought I'd done everything to protect my kids during the pandemic, from quarantine, to vaccinations and face masks, until Santa came to town. Apparently he wanted to offer vaccinated children who were dating an additional barrier against infection this year! 

It was 7 am on the nose Christmas morning and the kids were throwing Schnoodles on us in bed. Like the rousing cup of coffee every parent needs, it was pitch black outside and I could hardly believe it was morning. Grabbing our robes, we hustled downstairs before we missed the destruction of stockings and gift wrappings.

Regardless of age, our children were equally excited by the Pez dispensers, Lifesavers and foil wrapped Santas in their stockings, and eager to find out which Schnoodle earned a lump of coal for puking on the carpet or stealing someone's dinner off the table. Board games were to be expected, as Santa enjoys 'Forced Family Fun' as much as we do as parents, despite the teens; but it was the last bucket of foiled fun that shocked us all this year.

"Santa did not bring us condoms!" my 18-year-old daughter shouted. 

"Ho, ho, ho, indeed," I laughed, while my 14 and 16-year-old sons looked away as if their grandmother were in the room. 

My 11-year-old, sensing a taboo topic, tore into the bucket of prophylactics. Spying the assortment of colors and flavors for everyone, my covert plan took shape. Admit nothing, deny everything, make counter accusations; defending Santa my alibi. 

"Did you know condoms are 10 cents a piece at Planned Parenthood?" I said to my husband, loud enough for everyone but the neighbors to overhear. "I remember when they offered birth control for free... I'm glad Santa has us covered!" 

"Mom, they give them out for free in the dorms," my daughter willingly explained. 

"What, STDs?" I chuckled, before my youngest shouted, "they go on your wiener?!" 

I nearly snorted my coffee across the room.

"Heck, I don't care if he makes balloon animals out of them, or tries them out in the bathtub," I continued, "It's better than what my parents told me as a teenager!" 'Keep your legs crossed' was not going to prevent pregnancy in the age of social media, and besides, I was determined to support Planned Parenthood.

With scissors in one hand and a balloon pump in the other, my youngest son opened the 'French letter' with confidence. His older brothers, savvy from sex-ed with cucumber props, showed little interest and appeared somewhat skeptical of the other packages under the tree. 

Remember when a cardboard box was the best Christmas present of all? That's how I felt this year, surveying the damage after more than an hour with kids off screen-time. Gift paper, bows, candy wrappers, and colorful balloon animals made out of rubbers surrounded the tub of treasures. Even the dog was practicing safe sex, according to my son. 

Mayzie with her paw 'raincoat'. 

"I'm just going to stick these under the sink downstairs," I said to the kids, grabbing the mostly full prize bucket from the counter after dinner. "Though we appreciate Santa's sentiments, dad and I would rather you wait." It seemed as if everyone agreed, even Mayzie. 

I love the magic of Christmas!